It would be nice to call this post an analysis. In reality it is, as Starbucks baristas say, a Vente-sized rant.
I love what a coffee shop is meant to be. At its best a place of discussion, relaxation, congregation, business, and opportunity in various forms to various parties. And I am saddened and frustrated that the art of the coffee shop appears all but lost. If I could give myself a little credit, I did take time to sit and think about different angles and alternatives on the topic. But my conclusions aren’t pretty, or particularly generous. Maybe there exists a dissent that could overpower my assertions; I would love to hear it, honestly.
(Preamble: The philosopher in me asks “What is the point?” A rant on a blog is as gainless as a scream in the void, and far less self-centering. And yet the poet feels the muse and is inspired, and I feel the frustration and am impelled. It feels productive, and at the least, writing is an effective form of understanding one’s opinions, which enables a reflective practicality of its own…unless I am fooling myself here too in pursuit of whim. Anyone’s guess).
Topic 1: Music
Sometimes, music makes the scene.
A dance club without dance music is empty, exposes its ugliness. Soft, ambient strains in a spa or resort may transport and relax visitors away from the mundane. And in a coffee shop, soft jazz played gently may invoke the muse, or provide a subtle suffusion of background that calms mood and elevates conversation.
Rarely, so rarely have I encountered such thoughtfully catered music in the last number of years…I’ve lost track of just how many. I travel often, and visit many coffee shops. From the chains of Starbucks, Peet’s, Compass, Tea Leaf, to the solo corner shops struggling to get by, to the funky, off-beat medley stores that are part-cafe, part-brewery, or part cafe, part-gallery, or part cafe, part-something-else-entirely, I have visited many dozens of coffee shops, across many states.
This claim is not some strange niche attempt at a brag, but rather to establish that I have some minimum legitimacy, if any can be claimed, in familiarity with the state of coffee shops in the USA.
Now — the essence of a coffee shop, like any business, is what it brings to the consumer. As always, we speak with our wallets. Multiple factors contribute to the success of any store, but some businesses bend more to the fickle whims of chance. The offering of coffee (and light fare, etc) proves itself to be one of those categories of business that may sometimes succeed against all probability — when in the right location, perhaps where many seekers of caffeine congregate — or fail despite all attempts, due to nothing more than bad timing in the market (thank you Starbucks 2-for-1 promo!).
As as a result, some wonderful little shop will cease to exist, while a run-down, sad, unpleasant little place will endure when it really shouldn’t by all rights, since few customers like the coffee or the atmosphere there. It remains continually in questionable graces of the community, but scrapes by.
Back to the main point: Music should accentuate a mood, not clash with it, nor, in a coffee shop especially, attempt to dictate it. Starbucks has demonstrated itself a counterpoint to this in the worst of ways — its ongoing transformation into coffee fast food that began in the mid-teens is set off by heavily repeated pop playlists.
Ask a Starbucks barista — they are more tired of those songs than you are. But it’s a done deal, for now, unless advice from the former CEO is heard1. Starbucks is stuck as an in-and-out option, primarily. They have done anything they can to appeal to the buyers of sugary drinks that come with a little coffee mixed in, and to travelers on the road who need a quick pick-me-up.
Not that there’s necessarily anything wrong with either one of these use cases. They have their purposes. But the coffee shop, the modern social salon, the locale of study and chatting, of relaxing and sipping, of meeting and collaborating, Starbucks is not.
For some reason — and this is what I really struggle to fathom — most privately owned coffee shops seem to follow suite, many in their own preferred music niches. As I write this, I sit in a coffee shop listening (against my will!) to something that seems to strike a balance between hard rock and metal by emulating both. It is being played at a high volume. Soon it will switch to a relatively popular piece from the ’70s.
There are three customers in this shop, including myself. Do any of us enjoy the music? I have never heard anyone walk into a coffee shop and say “I love this!” Maybe it happens, but I’ve never seen it. That’s not what customers are there for. Not to listen to the owner’s personal favorite tracks, and definitely not to listen to it at high volume.
Some coffee shops have live music — that can be nice, too. Come and sip coffee or tea and listen to an up and coming talent. Even that is more of an occasional treat ruined if provided constantly. Nor is that what this is. This is, in effect, a counterproductive tool — stop the customer from relaxing. Outside of Starbucks, it is not intentional. Somewhere along the way owners and managers of even the most community-driven coffee shop heard pop music playing at high volume when they went into Starbucks and got the idea to do the same thing with their own playlist in their own coffee shop.
The high prevalence of earbuds in ears at any given time in any coffee shop suggests this is not a great tactic. But it goes hand-in-hand with the other curious tactics that have been adopted….
Topic 2: Furniture
Hard, angled metal. Tall stools with no footrests. Small, backless benches. You’ve seen this too?
Do you also remember the couches, the lounge chairs, the cushioned sturdy wood seating? You can still find these, sometimes, but it’s become outmoded, somehow. Even new, humble, community coffee shops seem to favor only the most uncomfortable of seating — perhaps another emulation of Starbucks? For them, again, this choice makes a kind of sense, working to drive more rapidly circulating traffic. Starbucks’ income no longer derives from the lingering customer, the student using coffee to power through a paper, the community group whiling away hours and mugfuls in discussion (again, for the most part).
When drive-throughs and in-app deals drive customers to buy expensive drinks and leave, the expectation is that customers won’t — and shouldn’t — spend too much time in Starbucks at any given time, or else they might take up time and space better given to other buyers. After all, a second drink ordered is not likely to be as large and expensive as the first. The choice in furniture naturally reflects this expectation.
But why apply this standard to all coffee shops? A sultry coffee on a lazy weekend morning is the perfect companion to a book, or to relaxed conversation with my neighbor. A tiny metal table and a tiny metal chair jammed into a corner do not create a suitable environment. It is why I spend less of my time at a coffee shop (and less money) and more just about anywhere else.
Topic 3: Space
Antagonistic choices of furniture will only go so far. To make sure that the minimalist, industrial environment reaches peak discomfort, the perceptive coffee shop owner will notice that arranging tables as close to one another as possible will make it easy for patrons to bump, scrape, and mildly impale themselves on the many sharp angles and exposed metal left by such a scrutinizing choice in furniture design.
An added benefit will be found in keeping visitors elbow to elbow so that they cannot have privacy or room to maneuver. Note that it is not necessary for the building to be small and cramped in order to implement this layout — in fact some of the most effectively unnavigable coffee shops enjoy wide, sprawling premises. Pushing furniture together, with no dividers or spacing, will ensure that the populated areas of the room remain as dense as possible, leaving plenty of empty space around them to provide nice distracting echoes and a general demeanor of dismal emptiness that every coffee shop surely seeks to emulate.
To best maximize this pallid aura, be sure to leave the walls undivided and add few decorative objects to divide up the room. In this way the cacophony of loud music and the resulting, even louder attempts at conversation that will overpower this music will all echo crassly across the room and increase the ambient noise to nearly indistinguishable levels of suffusion.
Topic 4: Air
Finally, to ensure total discomfort, leave airflow at a minimum. A stagnant, nearly unbreathable atmosphere is the goal. In summer, avoid climate conditioning and simply place one or two cheap, ineffective fans in the corners. These provide the illusion that the room’s air remains fresh, but will prove to be frustratingly impotent frauds over which the patrons can nonetheless compete.
In winter, turn the heat up all the way, without venting the air out of the room. You can be sure your guests will quickly fall into a dull stupor from which they will need more coffee to revive (lucky you!).
* * *
If you follow all these plans, you will have established the most successful, most beloved coffee shop money can create!
That sounds right, right? I think it has to be; this is the lesson I have learned by observing so many different coffee shops, which maintain a steady flow of patrons, so surely this is the best formula. No other setup for a coffee shop could ever be so effective. Clearly.
If not — if, somehow, some of this advice sounds wrong or unappealing, and some alternative occurs to you — perhaps this implies there is a better way? Some alternative to bring about a positive and enjoyable atmosphere in a coffee house?
* * *
Satire concludes.
Do coffee shops still represent a joyful destination? Of course. Countless people every day go and most are happy to be there — often I’m one of them. The utility of any place to sit, drink good coffee, and meet people remains regardless.
But there’s a chance we’ve lost the way, communally. There’s a chance we can do better, and make something lovely once again.
1. https://www.msn.com/en-us/money/companies/former-starbucks-ceo-howard-schultz-has-advice-for-company-again/ar-BB1lUWbS
